A few times I've started writing this post in my head but never take the time to sit down and actually do it. Of course, the things I planned to say or thought to say aren't fresh in my mind at the moment, but I am taking advantage of the free moment to post something. How are you all? I've never forgotten or assumed that any one of you aren't suffering from the loss of Jesse any less than I am. There are still good days and bad days. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him. Sometimes I'm sad when I can't recall every memory that I try to because I'm afraid I'm starting to forget them. Some of them, I want to forget. He was so sick at the end.
Music continues to be my strongest bond to him...Some of it I can choose to listen to and some of it just comes over the radio, and I cry. I'm emotional quite often, but I know that's normal. I recently visited my primary care nurse practitioner, and she said something I found interesting: "Karlyn, you need to not be so hard on yourself." She reminded me that the grief process has so many twists and turns and that no matter what my emotion is at each juncture, it's okay. I often feel anger towards people who don't understand that. Of course, everyone means well, so I'm overreacting. If they would just understand that my being irrational is part of this process, then they'd understand why sometimes the things I do or don't do, aren't going to make sense to them.
I'm vaguely referencing specific incidences here, but I am more focused on the general idea: People tell me they understand I am grieving, however their actions do not show understanding but instead the opposite. Frustration, impatience, disappointment in me. Again, this is a handful of people, not one in particular, and certainly not the majority. I'm so blessed and grateful for my amazing support system. What I'm having a hard time adjusting to is not having the kind of support Jesse used to provide me. We decided everything together. I checked in with him and he with me. That emptiness is indescribable. Recently, a friend of mine was mentioning how much she missed her husband because he was gone for one night. I bit my lip not to say: imagine the rest of your life. And I don't want to say things like that...I'm happy and grateful that my friend has a loving, wonderful husband, and I PRAY she'll never have to go through what I'm going through. There are many in the world who do go through this, and that sucks.
So, I'm here and Jesse's not. I'm learning what kind of person I am now, having had him touch my life and then be taken from it. I'm not that different, but I'm certainly not the same. I'm thinking of getting one of those bracelets, "What Would Jesus Do?" because the initials are WWJD, and I am always asking Jesse what he would do. ;) I wish I was a motivated enough person to just enroll in college to be a GI Oncologist and never give up until there was a cure for cancer...because doing something like that in Jesse's name would be nothing short of what he deserves, but I'm not that person. The more I write, the more I worry it appears as though I want to prove to you all how MUCH I loved Jesse, but rationally I know that he knows and that's all that matters. I have had several people tell me I should write a book, so maybe this little space here will come in handy someday when I'm trying to meet my page quota. ;)
Jesse and I started our caringbridge blog together to keep people informed of his medical status as it progressed. Why? So they could offer their support. So, do I continue this blog to ask for your support? I guess I do. For me and for the fundraising efforts we plan to get underway in the future in Jesse's memory. Since those efforts won't be underway for awhile, I guess I'm just filling some empty space, and my brain thanks you for allowing me to put some thoughts into words. ;) After all, you don't have to follow this blog if you don't want to. :)
I'd also like to use this tool to share memories of Jesse's. Not just mine, but all of you reading this. You can comment anything, anytime. So many of you shared your memories at the wake, so I know you have them, and I know you enjoy sharing them...so please feel free. Many of you share on Jesse's Facebook wall, and that is excellent. The Facebook Team has Jesse's wall now set up as a "tribute" or "memorial" space, so you can all do just that. This blog tool is not much different.
Well, that's more than enough out of me for today. Until next time...
Karlyn, first of all I'm so glad you are keeping us updated on how you are doing. I know there are lots of people out there rooting for you each day, that each day you will find a little bit more strength and peace in your heart. We know that it will never come back full force, the strength, the peace, the comfort. But even though time does not heal completely, it will start to comfort some of your wounds. Those who chose to be selfish and not give you their understanding and the time that you need, along with words of encouragement and not thoughtless rude impatience are just that: selfishly rude. I know as friends, family or whomever they are, they probably just want to see the old Karlyn back. But that will never happen. Slivers of you before Jesse getting sick will shine though from time to time and some may even shine on through your pain. It's hard not to see that same person anymore and some people who have never lost that much of themselves will never understand that feeling. And now you have to learn to live a life that neither you nor Jesse would have ever chosen for yourselves. I know I've told you this before in private emails, but I feel that some people need to read it too...you NEED to take care of YOURSELF. And learning how to do that will take time. Utalize those who are willing to help you and for now (or forever, whichever is nessesary) ignore those who aren't. The biggest tragedy next to loosing Jesse would be to lose you. Take care of yourself Karlyn first and foremost because that's what Jesse would have done for you. And let him help you....he's out there to guide you, you just have to allow your heart to listen and follow. Heidi
ReplyDeleteI was actually going to email you to let you know that when I hear some of the songs played at his wake my eyes get watery too! I have tried a few times to watch the videos played at wake posted online but often can't make it through them.
ReplyDeleteKeep doing updates since we really appreciate. You could easily do a book with your writing skills.
Charles and Kelly Holzerland
Karlyn.. you are such a strong woman!! I can't even imagine what you have to go through day by day, night by night..... Prayers to you and for you to find the strength that will carry you through!
ReplyDeleteTake Care,
Briana Horsman :)
I am from Jesse's hometown and followed your caringbridge site ever since the day I found out about Jesse's diagnosis. I also met you briefly at his benefit in Dover, but I'm sure I'm just 1 of hundreds you met that evening.
ReplyDeleteI think about Jesse often. I also think of your loss often, and I'm so sorry. One memory I have of Jesse that stays strong in my mind, was years and YEARS ago during Eyota Days, a traveling play came through our town and held auditions. It was Robinhood. I believe I was 12 or 13 at the time, so Jesse would have been 14 or 15. (I graduated in 1998. . . I believe 3 years after Jesse?) I was cast as Maid Marion, and Jesse was Robinhood. I was shy, and I remember he and I had to sing to each other and I was so embarrassed! But Jesse was so kind all the time, and just a really stand up human being.
I also have so many memories of Jesse cause I would go over to the Brewington house and hang out with Jaime who I was in sports with. So many wonderful memories of that family.
Thinking and praying for you. And I loved Heidi's comment above. You lost something and someone in your life so profound, that you will never be the same. So while you are mourning Jesse, I have no doubt there are some mourning you. I hope this blog provides you some comfort, and I hope you always know how much you are in the thoughts and prayers of others.